PART 7
I opened the envelope with hands that weren’t entirely steady, Jasper watching me carefully from across the table, Mrs. Delacroix quiet now, having apparently said everything she felt she was still allowed to say out loud herself.
Foster, the letter began, in Vivian’s familiar, looping handwriting. If Odile has finally given you this, it means Jasper has turned eighteen, and I have kept a promise to both of you that has cost me more than I think either of you will ever fully understand.
I don’t remember most of the week I left. I remember pieces — a hospital hallway, a psychiatrist’s office, the specific, sick certainty that I was somehow dangerous to my own son, a thought I still can’t fully explain even now, years later, sitting here trying to write this letter clearly enough that you’ll actually believe it.
I signed those papers in a state of mind that wasn’t mine. By the time I was stable enough, months later, to understand what I’d actually done, the divorce had already finalized, and I believed, in my own considerable shame, that showing up again would only hurt both of you further, reopening something I told myself you’d both worked hard to close.
PART 8
I kept reading, Jasper’s hand finding mine across the table at some point, though I couldn’t tell you exactly when.
I asked Odile to watch over both of you, because I trusted her professionally and personally more than anyone else I knew, and because some part of me needed to know, even from a distance, that Jasper was safe and loved, even if I’d convinced myself I wasn’t the person who should be doing that loving directly anymore.
I have spent eighteen years in treatment, Foster. I am stable now, genuinely, in a way I wasn’t for a long time after I left. I’ve thought about reaching out more times than I can count, and every single time, I’ve told myself Jasper deserved to be old enough to actually understand this before I disrupted whatever life the two of you had built without me.
I don’t expect either of you to forgive me. I only wanted you to finally know the truth, on his own terms, at an age where he could actually weigh it honestly instead of having it handed to him as a child.
If either of you ever want to find me, Odile has an address. I understand completely if that door stays closed. I have lived with that possibility for eighteen years, and I will go on living with it for as many more as it takes, if that’s what both of you need.
I love you both. I never once stopped, not even during the worst weeks of my life, when I genuinely couldn’t trust my own mind to tell me anything true.
Vivian.