Lily looked at her.
“I don’t think I knew how much I hated it either.”
“Not until the crash.”
I felt cold.
“What happened after?”
“At first, having no identity was terrifying.”
“Nobody knew me.”
“I barely knew me.”
“But eventually…”
She hesitated.
“Eventually it became the first time in my life nobody compared me to Claire.”
I stared.
She continued through tears.
“I learned I liked gardening.”
“I hated the clothes I used to wear.”
“I discovered I actually liked being quiet when people didn’t treat quiet as something wrong with me.”
“Nobody asked which twin I was.”
“Nobody said you were better at something.”
“So when your memory came back…”
I already knew.
“You stayed gone.”
“At first because I was scared.”
“And later?”
She looked straight at me.
“Later because I chose myself.”
My mother covered her mouth.
My father sat down.
I stepped backward.
“You chose yourself by letting us bury you.”
Lily flinched.
“I know how horrible that sounds.”
“It sounds horrible because it was horrible.”
“I know.”
“You keep saying that.”
“What do you want me to say?”
“The truth.”
She cried.
“The truth is I was selfish.”
Finally.
“The truth is that freedom felt good.”
“And then every month I stayed away made coming back harder.”
“Then a year.”
“Then another.”
“I kept telling myself you had survived.”
“That Mom and Dad had survived.”
“That showing up again would only reopen everything.”
I stared at her.
“You looked me up.”
“Yes.”
“You saw my house.”
